More Than Just Words…
WRITTEN BY BECKY CORBETT - INCLUSIVE MARRIAGE CELEBRANT
Planning a wedding/elopement or other ceremony should be an exciting and joyful experience for anyone and everyone right!? However, the reality is, if you are a rainbow couple or do not fit into the societal “norm” (whatever that even means), you probably have an added layer of consideration when choosing your vendors. Is who I’m choosing truly inclusive and affirming of myself and my partner? It is one thing to have a “tolerant” vendor but true inclusivity means that you feel affirmed and wholeheartedly supported.
Unfortunately, my wife Kristy and I experienced firsthand on our very own elopement day how a lack of true inclusivity (more than just words!) can taint a special and beautiful day.
When Words and Actions Do NOT Align
Although I was super excited to marry my love, the process of choosing vendors for our special day was incredibly stressful and something I didn’t expect, as I usually thrive on planning and bringing a dream into fruition!
Interestingly, the most difficult part for us was locking in a florist who matched our tastes. Many were unavailable, did not get back to us or did not service the location of our elopement.
Finally, Kristy managed to track one down local to our elopement venue. The florist’s work looked stunning and had done very impressive work for other weddings, and all the online reviews were glowing! When we reached out to the florist, they were aware that we were a same-sex couple and agreed to provide their services and assured us that they could provide the floral arrangements we had in mind.
However, come our elopement day, we were faced with an experience with this florist that left us feeling dismissed and unimportant.
The florist didn’t provide what we had asked for (and I am not being a fussy “bridezilla” here either), the bouquets were not only tiny but did not contain any of the specific flowers we had asked for. They were more appropriate for a baby shower or a flower girl. The full wedding wreath we had ordered was only half-completed and wilted. We also did not receive small cups of flower petals that we had ordered for our witnesses to throw post-ceremony.
Kristy and I are both down-to-earth and conflict averse, so we had to summon up the courage together to address the issue with the florist directly— diplomatically and politely of course! This was in hopes that the florals could be amended to align with what we’d asked for and ordered.
The most upsetting part in all this was not that we hadn’t gotten what we’d asked for, but the florist’s demeanour towards us. When we approached the florist, they barely acknowledged us and did not look at us. Kristy even tried to show the photos as a reminder of what we had sent via email and agreed on, but they refused to even look at them! Something along the lines of “I try my best and sometimes it’s just not enough,” was mumbled.
Luckily, we were eloping at a gorgeous rose micro farm and there were plenty of roses in bloom. The florist decided to make use of these to recreate our bouquets, however did not bother to de-thorn them or even provide any wrapping to protect from the thorns. We were left to quickly wrap spare ribbon around them to avoid our hands getting cuts prior to the ceremony!
Compared to the care and artistry this florist had put into other weddings (which we noticed afterwards were all straight weddings), the work put into ours was scrappy and rushed. And that hurt.
To be clear, I am not saying that this all necessarily means the florist was homophobic (there could have been many reasons— a bad day for instance), but it did leave us questioning why their work with other couples was stunning, and why we had not received the same meticulous care. Our personal experience illustrates why inclusivity matters and how actions speak volumes.
Hidden Discrimination: are vendors always open about their bias?
I remember that when same-sex marriage was legalised in the United States, there was a lot of publicity circulating around vendors openly refusing to provide services (e.g. bake a wedding cake) to LGBTQIA+ couples, citing religious beliefs. While disheartening, at least those couples knew where they stood and could choose not to support those businesses!
It is much more insidious when a vendor isn’t openly discriminatory but still treats LGBTQIA+ couples differently. This can look like subtly skimping on service, lacking enthusiasm, passive aggressive statements (such as the one our florist made), or making them just feel “ick” through their actions. This kind of bias is much harder to spot and therefore call out!
How to Find Truly Inclusive Wedding Vendors
Through this experience, Kristy and I learnt that how a vendor makes you feel conveys a sense of inclusivity, acceptance and welcoming. If Kristy and I were to do things differently, we would certainly have inclusivity at the very forefront of our minds when selecting our elopement vendors, and here’s how we would have done it:
1. Look Beyond the Website and reviews
Upon looking at our florist’s portfolio after our experience, it was obvious that they did not feature any same-sex or diverse couples in their portfolio. A vendor might say they are “inclusive,” and/or they may just agree to take you on as clients (hello dollar signs!!), but do they show diverse couples in their portfolio? Take the time to have a look. Representation matters. Look for real weddings they’ve worked on that reflect the rainbow diversity of humans in love!
Additionally, don't rely solely on glowing reviews. In our case, the florist had fantastic reviews, but as far as we could tell, none were from same-sex or gender-diverse couples. If you can, seek out testimonials from couples within the LGBTQIA+ community to ensure they truly provide inclusive service.
2. Ask Specific Questions
Obviously, a website or an online portfolio is not necessarily going to tell you everything you need to know. Perhaps you’re choosing a provider that hasn’t yet had the opportunity to showcase diversity but would love to! When reaching out to vendors, ask:
“Have you worked with [LGBTQIA+ / older / those living with a disability / BIPOC] couples before?”
“Could you show us an example of the work you’ve done with diverse couples?”
“How do you ensure all couples feel welcomed and valued?”
“What steps do you take to educate yourself about diverse wedding traditions and identities?”
Their responses (or lack thereof) will tell you a lot. Are they enthusiastic and engaged? Do they have clear policies in place to support inclusivity? Or do they seem uncomfortable and evasive?
3. Trust Your Gut
From the initial conversation, take note of how you feel. Do they treat you with warmth and respect? Do they not only listen to your vision and preferences, but also ask you open-ended questions to clarify what you’re looking for? Do you feel as though they’re communicating with you just as they might with any other couple? If something feels off, trust that instinct!
4. Seek Recommendations from your Community
Word of mouth is powerful. Ask other couples in your community about their experiences and recommendations. Inclusive vendors will have a track record of working with diverse couples and treating them with the same care and attention as any other client.
5. Look for Vendors Who Actively Support the Community
A vendor who genuinely values inclusivity will often (but not always) actively engage with and support diverse communities year-round. Some key signs of this may be:
Community engagement – Do they collaborate with LGBTQIA+ organisations, communities and events?
Education & awareness – Are they making efforts to educate themselves and their staff on LGBTQIA+ inclusivity, pronoun usage, and respectful communication?
Visible support – Do they display their inclusivity in ways that go beyond words? For instance, some vendors will prominently feature LGBTQIA+ and diverse couples in their portfolios. They will usually also display symbols like the rainbow flag on their website and social media.
and remember…
You Deserve to Be Celebrated in your beautiful uniqueness Fully!
Your wedding is one of the most important days of your life. You deserve to be surrounded by humans who make you feel celebrated, respected, and seen. If a vendor makes you feel anything less than that, they are not the right fit for you, end of story.
As an Inclusive Marriage Celebrant at Bespoke by Becky, I am 100% committed to ensuring that every couple feels respected and valued. After all, being asked to provide service to a couple on such a special day is an absolute honour.
LOVE IS LOVE
…and I would just LOVE to be a part of making your wedding a day where you feel nothing but all of the sparkliness of love, joy, and belonging.
